No matter how hard I keep trying I still keep struggling and failing. Everything I seem to do lately I am failing at. And as a result, my mental health is starting to suffer because of it. I just don’t know how much more I can take.
I am losing all my so-called close friends, but I can only take so much of the abuse and being used and constant drama. The interpoint of coming into this program and then getting my forever home was to stop all the drama and spend the rest of my days comfortable and not sleeping on a concrete slab. But now I am really struggling with was the last 20 1/2 months even worth all the effort I put in. There are others out there in the community that could be using this unit to better themselves and they wouldn’t have so many hurdles to overcome like I have and they would have had a turn around of several people in here if I wasn’t just taking up space.
Am I being selfish in staying here this long whilst waiting for my forever home to come through? I just can’t answer that anymore. I really want to keep going but it is just so hard. I feel that I have come so far and then everything comes crashing down again. How much more of the crashing can I take? How many more friends am I prepared to lose as a result of me getting my forever home and wanting to be happy? Is it really worth losing nearly everyone in my life?
There are totally times that I have just wanted to give up, but I have hung in there and made some major changes and reached some major milestones within my life in such a short amount of time. And I am still moving forward. And I will continue moving forward no matter how hard it gets.
I am pleased that I have my Mum back in my life, it is something that is helping me get through day by day with us talking here and there and doing our little video chats on Facebook Messenger. I know we probably won’t see each other again, but it is something I am aware of and also something that I do understand.
Having my NDIS has been a great help, but I really need to start slowing down with this or I am going to fast run out of money and then I will be screwed. So it is time to stick to my schedule and rely back on Coimba a bit for several things, which is what they are there for and will still be there in my forever home when I need them also.
Oh well, all I can do is keep going on the way I am and hope things start getting better again soon and I don’t keep feeling like crap all the damn time.
