Don’t Want To Go On

Date:
in: General

There is so much happening that I just don’t know where I am coming or going anymore. I know that I have been in my Central Coast unit for about 6 months now, ever since being discharged from Mona Vale Hospital after spending a few months in there. One of the longest stints I have ever had in hospital.

And now there is so many personal and health issues going on that I am just not coping with it very good. For the last 9 months now I have been having to take Endone and OxyContin pain relief just to get through day to day. The last 5 days has been hell as I haven’t had any pain relief. I can’t get more til tomorrow due to the type of script that I have to get for them.

All I have been wanting to do lately is give up and end it. Everything has become all too much. I have been through a hell of a lot of shit in my life and it’s just a never ending story. It’s just constantly one thing after another and I can’t take no more.

The most easiest way out of everything would be a massive insulin overdose. I know it would work. But I can not do it. It would hurt too many people. I really shouldn’t think about that but I do. There are some people in my life that I care about and don’t want to hurt. But I just don’t know how to keep going on.

Before going into hospital I was homeless on and off for 27 years. A hell of a long time. It is good to not be sleeping rough anymore. However things were so much easier when I was. I would not be dealing with my health and for a lot of my issues I wouldn’t even know about them as I wouldn’t have got checked up. Sometimes I just want to throw this place in and go back out there. But with the way my health now is I wouldn’t last. And the cold would get to me now too … I don’t think I would be able to handle going back to the beach for a swim to shower each day. I love my hot showers every day, several times a day, whenever I want one really. It really is just the small things that are getting me through day to day.

Anyway I am just rambling on a bit now … So I will end it there for now and write again soon.

About The Author

Zac hails from the Central Coast of New South Wales, Australia, spends his free time playing computer games such as GTA-V FiveM, Need for Speed Most Wanted (Black Edition), Flight Simulator X, and The Sims 4. He once enjoyed leisurely walks along the beach before his below-knee amputation (BKA) in June 2022. Currently, Zac is on a path to recovery, confronting both physical and mental health challenges arising from a history of abuse, adversity, and prolonged homelessness. With each passing day, he continues to persevere, striving for improvement in his life, and remains resolute in not allowing his past to dictate his future. Zac has a lot of health, both physical and mental which he is currently working on after a long history of abuse, hardship and decades being homeless. Zac continues to get by day by day and is moving forward with his life and is no longer letting anyone hold him back.